I’m queen of the changeable mood.
One day I wake up energized and ready to conquer my to-do list moutain. I’m mother of the year, poised, confident, dressed, showered, breakfast made and off to work early. You can smell the success on me; I’m unstoppable and centered and strong.
The thing of it is, I am not quite sure that’s who I will be tomorrow. Maybe by the time I throw off the sheets my heart will be beating in my throat and I’ll want to quit everything. Maybe for the whole day I’ll be anxious and needy as fuck. I’ll probably wish I could cry. The lights will be too bright and I’ll want to stay away from driving.
My friend, an author, says, “Some days it seems insurmountable and then other days I can do anything.” So, I know I’m not alone in my unpredictability and I’m thinking it just might be you too.
But then what? Once I’ve admitted to myself and embarrassingly out loud this mischance of evolution and genetics, what then? Appeal to the goddesses for a change of personality? Start exercising more? Drop gluten? Solve world hunger? Create a chores list? Kona Mari my wardrobe? The honest truth is I am too damn tired. I have two kids and four businesses and I am despite all the wonderful help I have, I am spent. I am unbalanced. I am human and hormonal and weaning a toddler and trying to be an adult.
You and me, honey, we are actually doing okay. You should just come over and cry on my shoulder and let me to yours. It feels good to get it out, to just stop, for one moment, the insane practice of holding it all together. Let me repeat that, we are actually doing okay. So, today isn't the day you thought it would be. So, you are unbalanced. So, you are angry and want to be better, but just can't. I am so very sorry and in the same breath oh-fucking-well.
The only path through this is acceptance. It's a deep, dusty, infamous knot of feelings and belief systems and cobwebs and chemicals. Fighting the feelings traps you like quicksand. Fixing the feelings never sticks, or else we wouldn't be having this once sided conversations.
I take two drops
and I hope, as hard as I can muster, that I move through the murkiness and step out again on my own two feet.
And that is as close as I come to Balance.
“If so, it’s time to cut ourselves and each other some slack; to accept that waves of energy come and go. Activity is followed by exhaustion, progress by inertia, excitement by quiet repose."
- Sarah Varcas, Mystic Mamma