Tears in the bathroom

"You are strong and you are safe," she says.

I've always had a complicated relationship with tears and today is no different.  I'm less than twenty four hours back from international travel with two kids, I haven't eaten, I've spent all day prepping an apartment for a new tenant and I am suddenly spent.

It hits me mid-aisle.  The lights are too bright, I'm suddenly dizzy and my heart pounds.  I abandon my cart and head to find my friend.

"I'm having an intense panic attack and I need to get out of here but I can't because we have no food in the house and the kids need school lunches and I am not sure a can do any of this and I am a failure at life and I am about to burst into tears.

She's never seen me like this before.  I'm flooded with shame and yet, in the moment I have no choice but to ask for her help. Asking for help is hard.

She walks me to the Whole Foods bathroom and I burst into tears. All of the tension, all of the holding, all of the rushing, all of the overwhelm, all of the fear – it all surfaces – all at once, uncontrollably.  This is Panic Disorder.

#nomoreshame #mentalhealth #youareokay #youarenotalone