Thoughts from swim


Self: Put down your phone.
Also Self: I can't. I am so hot. I hate this. But she loves it so I must be a good mom. Do the other parents want to run out of here. Am I actually in danger? It's so close to my house. Why am I a wimp? How can I run companies when I am barely functional? What if I have a panic attack. I should be watching her more. Does sitting here count as down time? It's only been 6 minutes. How can I hold it together for an hour. My eyes feel weird. Why didn't I eat breakfast. Maybe it's a blood sugar thing.  I am exhausted and I slept.  I literally want to do nothing today but lie in the AC. Do other people think this much. Wtf. Why won't this back of the neck pimple go away? Dammit, it has a scab I have to pick. Will the mom behind me see me pick this? Fuck it, I don't care. Remember to make dermatologist appointment on Monday.  Maybe I am anxious because my grandmother is dying. There are these jagged edges around the scab that used to be a pimple and I just can't stop touching it. Okay, two of the mom's are on their phones too. It must be partially acceptable. Does anyone else want to cry? When am I getting my period? This is probably PMS. It's always probably fucking PMS.
 
Sorry spiraling thoughts, did you miss me?  I paused for a second to read a paperback. Bossypants, by Tina Fey. I seem to only read quasi memoirs about anxiety.  Do you wonder why? It's on paper, so I was smugly superior to the moms next to me for a short moment.
They are all on their phones now.  
I think my vision is narrowing from the fluorescent lights.  I wonder if this is normal and people just don't talk about it and/or don't think it's a sign of impending doom.  If I publish this on the internet will anyone understand? Paperback and smug superiority calls.
 
While I was reading I realized I have another scab pimple (if that's a thing) in my hairline. Why do I get those? I thought it was too oily, but maybe too dry? Wrong shampoo.  Do I shower too much? It could also be too little. This stuff is so confusing. 
 
I am doing it! I'm doing it! 15 minutes left and then.  Oh shit.  I am gonna have to feed myself and them and then there's the rest of this humid 90 degree day. I wish they wanted to lie on the floor in front of the air conditioner with me.  
 
xoxox,